Be prepared! Five-year phase-in plan for "EuroEnglish" The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a realy sensibl riten styl. zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand each ozer ZE DREAM VIL FINALI KUM TRU! ____________
------------ The English Language----------------- There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on riveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is coming or going!!! _______________________
Facts =--= It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon." In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's." ___________ 1.Make sure each pronoun agrees with their antecedent. 2.Just between you and I, the case of pronoun is important. 3.Watch out for irregular verbs which have crope into English. 4.Verbs has to agree in number with their subjects. 5.Don't use no double negatives. 6.Being bad grammar, a writer should not use dangling modifiers. 7.Join clauses good like a conjunction should. 8.A writer must be not shift your point of view. 9.About sentence fragments. 0.Don't use run-on sentences you got to punctuate them. 11.In letters essays and reports use commas to separate items in series. 12.Don't use commas, which are not necessary. 13.Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 14.Its important to use apostrophes right in everybodys writing. 15.Don't abbrev. 16.Check to see if you any words out. 17.In the case of a report, check to see that jargonwise, it's A-OK. 18.As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong. 19.About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective repetition - take, for instance the repetition of Abraham Lincoln. 20.In my opinion, I think that an author when he is writing should definitely not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across. 21.Use parallel construction not only to be concise but also clarify. 22.It behooves us all to avoid archaic expressions. 23.Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be weeded out. 24.Consult the dictionery to avoid mispelings. 25.To ignorantly split an infinitive is a practice to religiously avoid. 26.Last but not least, lay off cliches. George L. Trigg ___________________________________
Overworked! =--= For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. ______________
Top 13 Signs Your CAT is Planning to Kill You! =--= 1.Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 2.Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill. 3.He actually _does_ have your tongue. 4.You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. 5.Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 6.You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 7.As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 8.Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM." 9.Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?" 10.Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. 11.You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed. 12.Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 13.Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose. ________________ Где-то на занятиях я такое уже слышал. Room Service in Asia: Tendjewberrymud Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service" RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?.pry, boy, pooch?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine" RS : "Hokay. An San tos?" G:"What?" RS:"San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS:"Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G: "You're welcome" ______________
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth. __________________
The main problem with old age is that you don't grow out of it. _________________
Oops =--= A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." ______________ A man's perspective =--= One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!" _________________ A Quote =--= "The other thing we have to do is to take seriously the role in this problem of. older men who prey on underage women. . .There are consequences to decisions and. . .one way or another, people always wind up being held accountable." -Bill Clinton, June 13, 1996, in a speech endorsing a national effort against teen pregnancy (As quoted in U.S. News and World Report) _____________
Microsoft Patent =--= REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday. With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant. "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals." A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly. "While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company." "If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs." As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer. Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft. "We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers." Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world." According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized. "Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything." Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week. Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling. In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind. "Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes." ___________________
Getting in =--= Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let-s watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in." Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information." HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin." The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!" The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus." The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself." They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories. They spot him walking with a roll of barb wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing." _____________
The Root of All Evil! =--= 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 8. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. _________________
Financial Worries =--= Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry." _________________ The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: 13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk. 11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants. 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear". 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. _____________ Diet Rules for Cheaters =--= 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. 7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 10.Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles. ________________ Bad News =--= A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..." ________________ Similarities between Santa Claus and System Administrators: =--= 1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows whom Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME. 10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence. ______________________ Why Men Can't Win =--= If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. ____________________ Perfect? =--= Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women, end here. Men, keep scrolling. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this brings another point: women never listen either. _____________________
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with my wife." "Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"? Before Harvey had time to answer, his wife entered the bar and swiftly interjected: "I said: 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel'". _____________________
A young man in a bar leans over to the guy sitting next to him and says, "Hey buddy, do you wan to hear a "redneck" joke?" The second guy replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. ... and I'm a redneck. See my friend over there? He's is 6'2", 225 lbs. ... and he's also a redneck. And see that big fella next to him? He's a redneck too. So, do you still want to tell that joke?" To which the young man answers, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
_________________________
A closed mouth gathers no foot. _________________________
Sometimes advertisers get it all wrong. Here are some funny examples of advertising campaigns that ended up being entirely inappropriate!
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
2. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had a use for the "manure stick".
3. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
4. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
6. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
7. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
8. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant". OOPS!
~~~~~ An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke." The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town." Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town. When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that." Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town. Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those." Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?" Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?" Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business." ~~~~~ A man came into a pet shop carrying a parrot in a bird cage. "I want to return this bird," he said. The owner sighed at the prospect of facing yet another this-bird-won't-talk complaint. "Sir," he said, "we guarantee that all our parrots can talk. However, we can't guarantee when they will talk. It's all spelled out on your sales receipt." "No, no, you don't understand," the customer said. "The bird talks. I just don't like his attitude." Puzzled, the store owner said, "You're right. I don't understand. Explain it to me." "I bought the bird a week ago," the customer said. "Every morning, I'd stand in front of his cage and ask 'Can you talk?' I did the same thing every evening. For six days, I got no response. Then, this morning, I shouted at the bird, 'CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?'" The customer glared at the parrot. The owner asked, "So, what happened?" "That bird looked at me," the customer said, "and said, 'I can talk, all right. Can you fly?'" ~~~~~ Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes. Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped. "Mahoney!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this." "Yeah," Mahoney said, curling his lip. "But I don't eat here." ~~~~~~ Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?" He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen." A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" He says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen." A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?" He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?" The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school." ~~~~~ A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted? " So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica." ~~~~~ A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bull's-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!" "I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L" ~~~~~ Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?" "No," says Carlos. Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?" "No," says Carlos. "Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?" "Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied. "Then tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing my wife?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . " The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!" "And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ." "Yes yes!" "Would you help me move the refrigerator?" ~~~~~ Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An older couple, living apart, had been dating for a number of years. One day Elmer says to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate foods and cooking separate meals. We should move in together. Betsy: Whose house would we live in? Elmer: Mine, it is paid for. Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on? Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine. Betsy: Who would do the cooking? Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes. Betsy: What about sex? Elmer: Infrequently. Betsy: Is that one word or two? ~~~~~ It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Jon. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Jon graduate, let Jon graduate!" The principal agrees to give Jon one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Jon, how many apples do I have?" he asked. Jon thought long and hard and then said: "Ten." And the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Jon another chance, give Jon another chance!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy is walking up to the doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying. The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?" The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant." The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?" The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups." ~~~~~ A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!" So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady..It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." _____________________
Facts =--= Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes...when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight" came from.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." ____________________ Wise Words =--= Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy Dumb man + smart woman = affair Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man understands a woman - before marriage and after marriage. _____________________ Last Rites =--= The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody." ______________________
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class." __________________________
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. ------------------------------------------------- A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected. He queries the first candidate: "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You may enter," says the Angel. Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn. "My annual salary was $8,000." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what instrument did you play?" ________________________ Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde __________________________ BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE ================================== Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like? Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please. Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE ============================ Customer: Hi, how much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends. Customer: Depends on what? Clerk: Actually, a lot of things. Customer: How about giving me an average price? Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What's the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint. Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint. Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version? Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You've got to be kidding! Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you. Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there. Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12. Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking! Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want? Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough. Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: What? Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs. Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night! Clerk: Yes, sir, it will. Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint. Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline. ________________________
Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House ================================================= 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old. 6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it. 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it. 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something looks level, it is level. 10. If at first you don't succees, redefine success. 11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid. _ _____________________________________ _ A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious! No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes. A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life. Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out. Housework Done Properly Can Kill You. Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines. _ _____________________________________ _ DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. ____________________
God and Moses ___________________________________________________________
Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." ___________________________________________________________
The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO"
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines. 2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure," 3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace," 4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape. 5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 6. Exam room has a tip jar. 7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in. 8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?" 9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers. 10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning," 11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip. 12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep. 14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket. 15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs. 16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana. 17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park," 18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube. 19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day." 20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine. 21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams. 23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy." 24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you. 25. Recycled bandages. 26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry. 27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month. 28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK 29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier. 30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward. _________________
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? _________________
Home on the Web ----------------- (to the tune of "Home on the Range") (come on - try it - its fun)
VERSE: Oh give me a site where the links all work right -- one that doesn't take too long to load -- where the text can be seen on my 13-inch screen -- one that offers a "no-Java" mode.
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM. Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE: Though your video files give your pages some style I can't read them upon my PC; Massive graphics and sound crash my system, I've found, so please put in some "alt" tags for me!
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE: Please don't ask me to "chat" with your favorite cat; I don't have an IRC code. And don't ask me to buy games for Win 95 -- My PC is way too darn old!
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
Now wasn't that fun!!! ___________________________________________________________
Deep Thoughts =--= Indecision is the key to flexibility. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too. This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant. The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. The other line always moves faster... until you get in it. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. Happiness is good health and a bad memory. Do unto others. ________________
Fuzzy Logic =--= OPTIONAL ACCESSORY II: "Normally accidents like this shouldn't happen," reasoned a Caputh, Germany, police spokesman. A motorist following driving instructions on the satellite navigation computer in his BMW drove down a ferry ramp into the Havel River, he said, without realizing the only way he could cross the river was to wait for the ferry. The 57-year-old driver was not injured. "This sort of thing can happen when people rely too much on technology," the police spokesman said. (Reuters) ...Leading to a required label, "Warning: User still must watch out window when driving." _____________________
The Flag =--= The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" "'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently. ~~~~~~ A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room where, much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it. The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try." At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo. This ... I gotta see!!" ~~~~~~ The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd." ~~~~~~ A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes. "The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them." "Why not?" asked her friend. "Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell." "Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?" ~~~~~~ A lady writes: We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." ~~~~~~ There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads; "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!" ~~~~~~ Lots of things go on during "spring break" as the college students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing before a judge. "I plead not guilty, Your Honor. I only went there to get relieved," he testified. "Well, I'm inclined to accept your explanation." said the judge. "I guess some allowances must be made for 'emergencies'." "That's true to a point, Your Honor," said the arresting officer. "But what about this young lady here who relieved him?" ~~~~~~ The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said, "Mary had a little pig -- An ornery little run. He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes And smelled her little . . ." He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?" "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole." ~~~ "This is a true story from an Amoco Christmas party in Australia last year." At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a practical joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his lottery Ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. The waitress came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers. She proceeded to read the numbers (the boss's numbers) out loud before setting the numbers on the table. The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his from his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then he downed his drink, stood up on his chair, and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. "I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, cause I've just won loads of money, and I'm leaving." He walked out of the party and was never seen again. ~~~ Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio." "Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise. "And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old." "Right again. But how'd you --" "And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman." "Well, yes, but how did you know!?" asked the second man in amazement. "Well, old Doc always cut them at a 60-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe." ~~~ In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago". "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!" ~~~~~~ The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one." ~~~~~~ Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light," After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" ~~~~~~ Judi went to Sherry's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home. Sherry asked, "Well, what happened when you got there?" Judi said, "After sex the S.O.B. called me a slut!" "What did you do then?" Sherry asked, somewhat shocked. Judi said "I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and take his eight friends with him!" ~~~~~~ The Lifesaver =--= There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here." "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up." The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" the Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack." _____________
A Quick Round =--= Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!" ____________________
"Genie in the lamp" A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, So you can forget about three. You only get one wish." The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?" The gene laughed a replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete....How much steel!!!! No think of another wish." The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, To know why they are crying, To know what they want when they say "nothing"...." The gene replies "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" _____________________
WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY -+- When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying -+- You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go -+- You can go to the bathroom alone -+- Your last name stays put -+- You can leave a hotel room bed unmade -+- You can kill your own food -+- Chocolate is just another snack -+- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat -+- You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me" -+- One mood, all the time -+- You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut -+- You never have to worry about other's feelings __________________________
THE GREAT MEMORY DEBATE Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class." Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother." _____________________ An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch" _____________________ THE CESSNA A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. ____________________
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the ass on the back of the horse, instead of on top." ____________________
The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!" _________________________
If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer! =--= If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you loose your car keys, click on find. "Help" with the chores is just a click away. Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash. And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on its way to YOU...
The Traveler =--= By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, cutie,' and he sat bolt upright all night watching me like a hawk." The Photographer =--= The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" _____________________
Pearly Gates =--= Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes up and says, "I know you were somebody down on Earth, but you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait your turn. Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks. She also notices that every now and then, different clocks jump 15 minutes ahead of time. When St. Peter returns, Hillary says, "What's with all the clocks?" St. Peter replies, "Well, each clock represents a man back on Earth." Hillary asks, "Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead 15 minutes?" "Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has committed adultery," answers St. Peter. "Which one is my husband's clock?" inquires Hillary. "God has that one in his office," answers St. Peter. "He uses it as a fan." __________________ Unbreakable =--= A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "UNBREAKABLE". However, it has no price marked. "Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable"? "One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper. Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high. "Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break. The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "UNBREAKABLE" banner. "Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!" "No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied. "How can you be so sure?" he demands. "Because the schmuck who pays 100 bills for that thing is going to take as much care with *it* as you did with yours!" ________________________
Hit or Miss =--= A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man-you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!" __________________ Lemons =--= The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times." _________________ Email Mixup =--= A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net. Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted. It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!" _______________________________
Dog Breeds that did not make it: =--= Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Bloodhound + Borzoi Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Brain Transplant =--= The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used." _______________________ Final Exam =--= A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course." There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s." _______________________
Animal Crackers =--= A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "You can't eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal." __________________________
Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age
1. 'Ome is where you 'ang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust. 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. The http://www.joker.org is on you. 23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. _____________
On one BAD day, =--= 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
Dealing with AT&T =--= Me: Hello AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes This is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please? Me: May I ask who is calling? AT&T: This is AT&T. Me: OK, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting. Me: Hello? AT&T: Is this Mr. Line? Me: May I ask who is calling please? AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Line? Me: Yes, is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: The phone company? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: I thought you said this was AT&T. AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company. Me: I already have a phone. AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Line. Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying, "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent. AT&T: Mr. Line we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering. Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day! Me: 7 days a week? AT&T: That's right. Me: 365 days a year? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing! AT&T: We think so! Me: That's quite a sum of money! AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up. Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? AT&T: Excuse me? Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute. AT&T: What are you talking about? Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T? AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...... Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me. AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for..... Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please! AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary. Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What? Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes Mr. Line. Please hold on. So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food: Supervisor: Mr. Line? Me: Yeth? Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is. I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort. Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. Me: Thank you. I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone. AT&T: Hello Mr. Line, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan? Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother... AT&T: (click)
Princess Ryubet =--= A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.' The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool!' ______________________________
Overworked! =--= For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. ___________________________________________________________ During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments." ___________________________________________________________
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
~~~~~ A wealth playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. "On the other hand, Port makes me fart." ~~~~~ True story: Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it."
"At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer "
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Facts =--= The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, GP
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. BE CAREFUL!
Lumberjack =--= A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!" ____________________
SPEAK =--= A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?" The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?" ~~~~~~ Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law." ______________________
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry." ~~~~~~ Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz? You don't really have to be 50 or over to know these, but it might help! 1. Name the Beatles, first and last names. 2. Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears..." (2 words) 3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words) 4. What do M&Ms do? 5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? 6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew him as ... (2 words) 7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went,..." (7 words) 8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial) 9. "M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ..." (5 words) 10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what? 11. "Brylcream:..." (6 words) 12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone.... (2 words) 13. "I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who..." (6 words) 14. "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words) 15. Where have all the flowers gone? 16. Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and..." (3 words) 17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial wearing women's pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname! 18. "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong to the finish ..." (5 words) 19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators? 20. In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised about his future and told to consider one thing. What? 21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor, announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, "Just think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2 words) And he lied! 22. "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive/ He stood six foot six, weighed 245/ Kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip/ And everybody knew you didn't give no lip to ..." (2 words) 23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words) 24. "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words) 25. "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words) 26. "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie! 27. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today! Smile! ..." (4 words) 28. Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop? (Socratic answer required.)
Here we go.........(scroll down for the answers)
1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr (Richard Starkey) 2. Oh, my! 3. It's Howdy Doody Time! 4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 5. Wonder bread 6. Casius Clay 7. "when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent" 8. Maynard G. Crebbs 9. "... why, because we like you" 10. nothing but a smile! 11. "a little dab will do ya" 12. over 30! 13. "...who wrote the book of love" 14. "absolutely nothing!" 15. "long time passing" 16. "the American way" 17. "Joe Nameth" aka "Broadway Joe" aka "Joe Willie" 18. "...'cause I eats me spinach" 19. Mary Martin 20. "Plastic" 21. Dick Nixon 22. "Big John" 23. on blueberry hill 24. "...wherever you are" 25. "Good night, David" 26. "...pants on fire" 27. "You're on Candid Camera" 28. "Who put the ram in the ram-a-lamb-a-ding dong" _ _____________________________________ _ "Intelligence may be artificial, but stupidity is real." __________________ Facts =--= It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon." In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's." _____________
The Traveler =--= By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, cutie,' and he sat bolt upright all night watching me like a hawk." ________________________
The Photographer =--= The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" _____________________
1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of?
4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
5. Do you parents know you are straight? Do your friends and/or roommates know?
6. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?
7. Why do heterosexuals put so much emphasis on sex?
8. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to introduce others to their lifestyle?
9. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it wise to expose children to heterosexual teachers?
10. Just what do men and women do in bed together?
11. Bearing in mind the current divorce rate, why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals?
12. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?
13. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered aversion therapy?
14. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face? ___________________________________________________________
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
___________________________________________________________
A lawyer addresses an all male jury: "Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?" --------------------------
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him." ---------------------------
The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true. But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the case -- the lawyer. ___________________
Listening Passively =--= There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man." ____________________
Professions =--= A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. _______________________
Deep Thoughts =--= Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with. The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. ______________________
Who's Cheating? =--= "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley." _____________________________________________________________ As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?" ~~~~~ "It's time to see how clearly you can think," the teacher said to his class. "Now, listen carefully, and think about what I'm saying. I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?" The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer. When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, "The person is me." Little Jeffery beamed at learning the answer. "That's a good one," he said to himself. "I'll have to try that on Mom and Dad." At dinner that night, little Jeffery repeated the riddle to his parents. "I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have," he said. "But this person isn't my brother and isn't my sister. Who is it?" His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, "I give up. Who is it?" "It's my teacher!" Jeffery said. ~~~~~ A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female. The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model. The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE" because: 1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. ~~~~~~ A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!" The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands. Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!" ~~~~~ This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed . . . the *Pakistani man*, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming; "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!". ~~~~~~ Famous Quotes about Drinking Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway Always remember that I have taken more out of alcoho than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson ___________________________________________________________
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is. By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry." Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head. If the tobacco and gun industries can be held liable for product abusers, why can't parents be held responsible for the actions of their children? A wife is that wonderful woman who stands by her husband through all the trouble he wouldn't have had to face if he would have only stayed single in the first place. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to ... until she got an unlisted number. Have y'all heard about the new Texas bra to be on the market soon? According to the manufacturer, it "rounds 'em up and heads 'em out." Two fat blokes are in a pub. One says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat bastard." When the media does it, it's called "news coverage." When an individual does it, it's called "stalking." Personally, I think if all the women's libbers in the world were laid end to end, that would be the best thing that could happen to them. ____________________
Truisms of Life Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Indecision is the key to flexibility. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. I don't get even, I get odder. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. I am a nutritional overachiever. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. ______________________
A London bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one-a-more time ah." "You foul-mouthed swine," explodes the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down your panties lady!!," said the man. "Imma justellun my frienda howa to spella Mississippi."
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